I won’t think about who’s taken that place in it next to you, who’s lying on my pillow, covered by that blanket I got you when we first moved in together. I won’t wonder where you are, what you’re doing and who’s sharing your bed with you tonight. I’ll crawl into bed and I won’t let myself think of you. I won’t miss your laugh and I won’t miss you. I won’t long to hear your laugh when you grabbed me, pulling me close, yanking it over my head and off just to stand there and stare at me. I won’t even remember the first time I put it on or how you said I looked like a child in it. One that fits me right and is not the length of a dress on me. One that smells like my clothes and not of your body. I’ll put on one of my t-shirts instead of yours. I won’t wish I could feel you just one more time. I won’t feel your fingertips on my bare skin as you played with beads of water that was left on it, nor will I feel your tight grip on my arm as you pulled my against your chest. I won’t smell the towel as I get out, just to trick my senses into believing it’s you that’s drying my hair with it. I won’t think about how your soapy hands felt on my body, or the way I laughed when shampoo got into your eyes and you squealed like a five year-old girl. I won’t remember that time in the shower. I’ll soak there till the water gets cold. I’ll pour myself a glass of wine, draw a nice hot bath, put on my favorite music. I won’t be in pain with your lack of emotion as I cried my eyes out and demolished any shed of an ego I had begging you to stay. I won’t let my mind recall how it feels to be betrayed by the one you care for most when you least expect it. I won’t remember your cold stare and your distant words. Because tonight is for me and I don’t deserve to spend it in tears. My eyes won’t overflow with all the things I have no words to express. There won’t be a void in my chest, I won’t feel empty. I won’t sit in bewilderment striving to understand what went wrong. I will not be confused, trying to figure out what I did -or didn’t do- to make you throw me from that cloud of bliss I was on. I will not shed one tear for you tonight. I won’t even think about that stupid meaningless message you’ll send me, using some ridiculous pretense, just to see how I am in hopes that you can get some sort of reaction out of me. I won’t imagine the emotion you’re trying to hide between nervous laughs. I won’t hear your voice in my mind telling me that you miss me and asking me to come home. I won’t touch my phone, hoping that it will ring and it’ll be you. That feeling in the pit of my stomach, the one I had the first time I laid eyes on you, will be reserved only for me tonight and I’ll keep it to myself. I’ll know that I did everything I could, that I loved you all I could more than you’d ever been loved before, more than I’d ever loved before. For all the nights I spent on you, for all the nights I put myself on the side for you, for all the nights I gave myself to you when I should have just kept a few pieces for me. I won’t even consider the possibility that you’re dreaming of me. I won’t let that Chinese proverb get stuck in my mind “When you can’t sleep at night, it’s because you’re awake in someone else’s dreams”. I won’t wonder if you’re up, if you’re thinking about me too, or if, instead you’ve been asleep for hours. I won’t sit and ponder about what’s on your mind, where you are and what you’re doing. Or what it never meant, doesn’t mean now, and will never mean, anyway. I’ve given you so many nights so many more than you will ever know.
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